The End of an Era

I met these two hotties at ABC's Telethon for the Eradication of Back Fat. The long time spokesmen for the fundraiser had recently become spokespersons. This, despite being quite a step up in the industry, garnered them no extra pay. Enraged over this, the ladies had decided to quit at the conclusion of the telethon. Needless to say, I felt very lucky to be able to meet them during this, thier swan song. Unfortunatly they were in no mood to shmooz with an over-eager fan. They signed my chest and I was sent on my way.

How come there aren't any plumbers that look like this guy?

From the Associated Press

Walden Books releases annual security report. The report claims the most commonly stolen book is The Bible

10 Things I Look Foward To About Being Old:

* When some young smartass starts talking to me, I probably won't hear him.
* Grumbling about the way things used to be
* Grumbling in general seems like it would be fun
* Always having an excuse to do nothing at all
* People won't hold it against me too much if sometimes when they're talking I just stop paying attention
* Being issued a driving liscense even though it is clear that, because of continuing loss of reaction time and clarity of thought, I cannot be expected to safely operate a motor vehicle
* Driving the wrong way down a one way street and honking at oncoming cars
* Trying to get a youngster to listen to me
* Forgetting what I was gonna say once I finally get someone to listen to me
* Mah Jong

A Funny Thing Tristan Said:

"I'm gonna open a clothing store for cross-dressers and call it Susan B. Anthony's"

The Person's conversation with Jesus:

The Person: Yo! Jeez, what's up man?
Jesus: Hey
The Person: What's up man you can't call a brutha back once in a while?
Jesus: Yeah I've been busy.... fuckin around ya know?
The Person: Yeah?
Jesus: (silence)
The Person: Right on...
( Frank walks by )
Jesus: Yo Frankie!! .... sup?
( Frank gives a slight nod as he continues to walk)
The Person: Yeah so anyway I wanted to ask you... why does everyone think you're white, dude?
Jesus: Well ... really it's just the white folk that think I'm white.
The Person: Oh.... Why do you think that is?
Jesus: (pauses) Good question

Reasons to invest in real estate in Flagstaff, Arizona

Rich Pheonix retirees flee there .... Tourists use the city as a jumpoff point for Grand Canyon excursions and there is a ski resort for the winter.... keeping the local economy thriving....and the city is surrounded by National Forest making a natural ( pun intended ) ceiling for the supply. Perfect investment. Rich white people interested in a limited supply .... come on ... it dosen't get any better than that ... you see what these courtside basketball seats go for right? .... same thing.

I don't think I've ever seen a homeless guy with a full bottle of Gatorade

What? You don't like McDonalds?

QUESTION:

You know that feeling you get when you have lost your keys? And you have looked everywhere that they should be. Not to mention 34 places where they would never be. And you know that there is no reason in the world why you shouldn't have found them by now. You know that feeling? Yeah ... me too... I thought I knew where they were. Maybe if I check my pockets again they'll be there this time...

Have you ever been on trial for murder? You never know what to do with yourself. Singing is out. Mostly I just stare at the judge.

I Don't Believe You

This is the first of my "I Don't Believe You" segments. These posts will examine all sorts of things I come across in my daily life. I will analyze each situation and tell you who is decieving you and how. AND whether or not you should care. Before I get started... I know I said it but... what kind phrase is "daily life"? Think about it. It sounds like a bunch of B.S. to me. Why do you need the word "daily"? I apologize.

Names That Simply MUST Be Fake:

Billy Crystal::: Not only can this not be his real name, but he looks kind of wierd too ... so thats two strikes
Danny Dang::: While his name is clearly fake, this poker player is foriegn and therefore incapable of rational thought. He probably doesn't even realize that his name is made up. So we will just go ahead and pin this one on the man
Joe Montana::: Yeah ... Joe Montana ... suuuure
An Tran(another poker player)::: Again ... foriegn... ALSO: Any name that rhymes is fake ... write that down
Wade Boggs::: Are you kidding me???? Wade Boggs? ... Come on
Dick Trickle::: Well this guy races NASCAR so it doesn't matter anyway. There is no one paying attention to Dick Trickle who deserves to be warned about the fact that they are being lied to.

A List Of Names That Sound Funnier If You Switch Around the Letters a Little Bit

Barry Sanders ------ Sarry Banders
Jerry Stackhouse ------ Stairy Jackhouse
Tom Hanks ------ Hom Tanks
Marty Schottenheimer ------ Schottie Martenheimer ( my personal favorite )
Steve Nash ------ Neve Stash
Macky Sasser ------ Sacky Masser ( the old LA Dodgers catcher )
Bill's Barbeque ------- Bob's Billbaque

Lets examine some pictures

I'm told that this is our leader
At least he's religious

How can you not be laughing?
HA!


What? What did you think it was?