COMING SOON:

Siskel or Eberts review of The Persons' new masterpiece "Attack of the Elderly Mexican Zombies: The Great Gumming of the Gringos". I don't know who will do the review.... which ever one isn't dead.

Numbers and Logic

* First we must all agree that the devil is more powerful than the concept of luck. As long as we agree on that then the following must be true:

* The number 13 is generally looked at as an unlucky number. Bad luck is feared and avoided. The devil is also feared and avoided. The devils number, as everyone knows, is 666. Therefore we must conclude that 13 is the number 666's bitch.

Assuming (A) :::
If p(A) = r
and
q(A) = r
Then qr(A) > pr(A)

It makes perfect sense to me. Please ignore the missing variables and lack of supporting evidence... it helps the conclusions validty if we ignore certain factors. Like Bush when he said "We should attack Iraq".
Interesting... George W. Bush is mentioned in the same post as the devil. Coincidence I'm sure.

I Do Taboo

--- I refuse to hold open doors for the elderly. If they are so weak and helpless shouldn't they exercise those arms by doing things themselves?
--- I don't put the toilet seat down when there are women that use the same bathroom. Unless, of course, they are willing to put it back up when they are done. I mean, women's lib. ... it's all or nothing right?
--- I make fat jokes around those heavily influenced by gravity.
--- I don't wash my hands after going to the bathroom... just in case someone wants to shake my hand soon after
--- I go to churches and use the rectory phone to place 1-900 number calls.
--- I discuss the phone calls with any members of the clergy I can find.
--- If, while driving my car, I come across an animal in the middle of the road... I hit it. Even if it has a collar and a leash and is being walked by a human.
--- When having attacks of flatulence I go out of my way to find elevators or any other small confined space where there are lots of people.
--- If I find someones wallet I take all of the money out and leave the wallet right where I found it, being sure to remove all forms of ID first. This is to insure that no one else can return it to its rightful owner.
--- If someone is lost and asks if I know how to get to the Home Depot, I say yes and walk away.
--- When I am short on cash I try to find homeless people that I have donated to in the past and demand a refund.
--- I write letters to "special" schools asking how they get all those Down-Syndrome kids to look alike. ( Don't blame me... blame George Carlin.)
--- And in regards to the take a penny leave a penny trays ... I always take . I never leave.

COMING SOON TO WHERE-ARE-MY-KEYS.COM ...

"The Solution is to Remove the Problem: A Revealing Look into the Seedy Subculture of Motorcycle Gangs."

See why the stereotype of child raping, drug using, murderous deviants might be more acurate than you think.

ALSO COMING SOON: Fun with Flamables

A Retraction

I formally retract my apology regarding the Sandra Bernhardt issue. My critics made me doubt myslef and fall into the clutches of Jesus and the "moral majority". Thankfully my most respected critic, P. Horatio Filibuster ( www.shazanigans.blogspot.com), informed me that the post in question could possibly be my best work yet. In an email P. Horatio said "Your critics are morons, and you can quote me on that."
So I did. And to those critics I say this: Instead of thinking it wasn't that funny, you should look inside yourselves and find what it is in your make-up that has you think it wasn't funny... and fix it. That's right, humor is no longer subjective. P. Horatio and I have been dissecting the nature of funny and deciding what is and what is not funny for almost 2 decades. So from now on you can just defer to one of us. Thank you. No ... wait ... You're welcome.

Evidence of Influence

I am aware that I live in Las Vegas, but I find evidence of poker seeping into our every day culture in absurd places. All around town "all you can eat" salad bars and buffets are now being called "no limit" buffets. I wonder if they are actually projecting increases in sales due to thier oh-so-clever advertising. And by the way, once people figure out the value in check-raising the 1000 islands dressing, these places are going under.

Lackluster Reviews

Well it seems that my last post (The persons date with Sandra Bernhardt) was met with mixed reviews. I am embaressed that the product I turn out is not universally accepted. I am deeply sorry to those who expected more out of me. Do not worry. I have changed my ways and have found Jesus ( he finally called me back). I have decided that from now on my blog will be used solely for the propagation of the word of our lord, Jesus Christ.... and restaurant reviews. Once again I am sorry to those who did not appreciate how I treated Ms. Bernhardt.

The Persons Date With Sandra Bernhardt

JOINED IN PROGRESS......

Sandra: ... yeah so I said to her "Look, I don't sign autographs when I'm drunk"
The Person: Yeah, so should we order?
Sandra: Well what's the rush? You got a hot date or something?
( Sandra cackles annoyingly)
The Person: Ha. Right. Look I'm just saying you should glance at the menu because they don't just bring a trough by for us to feed from...
( Sandra makes an annoying face)
The Person: I'm not saying that because you look like a horse or anything, I just.....
Sandra: No no! I know.
The Person: Right.
Sandra: I think I'll just have a salad.
The Person: Of course... So have you ever thought about wearing turtle necks full time?
Sandra: Huh?
The Person: Oh ... do you ... are you going for the whole adams apple look or...
Sandra: I'm having lots of fun ... we should definatley hook up you know? We should go out again.
The Person: Well since you're paying...
( the waiter interupts)
Waiter: Hello folks I'll be your .... wow! Hey are you Christopher Walken? I loved you in Sleepy Hollow!
The Person: No. Haha. No, this is Sandra Bernhardt. Sandra this is our waiter.
Sandra: Hey... I just want a salad.
(The waiter takes the Persons order as well and exits)
Sandra: So what do you think? Do you wanna do this again soon?
The Person: Well... we'll have to think of something to do that covers your.... hmm
Sandra: what?
The Person: Have you ever gone fencing?
Sandra: Huh?
The Person: Nevermind I can't do this.
Sandra: What's wrong?